maniacalsquids' Journal

new update
guys, i kno it has been a while..but life is hectic and im sorta sick fo spilling my guts out ot none in particular. also....i lost all my buddies on my buddy list :( which sux...damn aim...so if ur my buuddy im me at maniacalsquid !

will update later when its not 2 am

ick
so i have ot rewrite this goddamned shitty journal entry.
basic update, yesterday i spent with stuart. rafting down delaware sunday kinda sucked cuz it rained and i ran out of insulin etc etc etc. today i feel sick, my ears r clogged im feverish and bad stuff and i had to fucking close with mike. EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
worst week ever so far. katie bar.r....dowbngrade!!!!!
im watching graham norton and it just makes me hate my life. i want fabulous, i want to be someone else. i hate who i am, and so i hate the world in which i live. im sure im depressed or sumthinh, i hate waking up too. i need ot get this out. i hate myself. im stupid, boring, nerdy fake, too nice, too insecure, too ugly, too fat, too lazy too unmotivated, too full fo life, too scvared ot find out whats inside me.
i dont wanna be anymore!!! i wannan be the unme.

fuck this. fuck life. fuck it all. fuck graham norton (yes please).

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: graham norton

update
ok everyone, sorry i havent updated, but my internet got struck by lightning 2 weeks ago now and so ive been out of the world loop for a while. ick.
fortunately it is back, like my parents who went away for 2 weeks, right about the time when the net got struck the basement flooded and the fone service cancelled.
did i do that?!(insert chanels steve erkel voice)

so at work christine had her baby 2 weeks early, but all is healthy wealthy and wise, and it means im getting 40 hours a week at the bux, which i am not complaining about becuz i need money.

things r looking up. doza is coming home soon, ayy! and skool starts so katie vince and i have been drawn inextricably closer by the fact we are all soon ot share in a common fate, or lunch, depending on how u look at it.im excited tho. katier and i take the train at 8 am every day! yay!

so besides that, ive been seeing this socttish guy named stuart mccallum, who has stollen my heart. hes adorable, ill post a pic soon, but we just connect on so many levels. that and hes pretty good in bed, altho sumtimes i feel like telling him i got my tongue pierced for a reason!
he seems to lik eme alot too, which is nice.

umm.....new stuffs? i miss bethany and chanel and amanda (even tho we had issues i miss her) and work is ok. im getting ot be better friends with marissa and jen and bridget and katie and i are becoming awesome friends. i love katie ot death. theresa new kid chris who looks like a minimike (my manager) but is nice and useful. he also does temple.

what else should i add? im going rafting on sunday with j and rach down the delaware!!! apparently i have a dark sense of humor tat makes ppl uncomfortable but my delivery is over the tope and a tad dirrty (yup, sounds lik eme), or so says an internet test.

well, im off to go work off lunch. i have ot look good for sunday!

malcolm
PS...i need a new ringtone cuz mine is now a top dance hit in the US :( so much for original. i wanna move ot london!!!!

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: crazy frog...my ringtone

snoore
wow....so i havent updated since wednesday....
well thursday sorta sucked. i closed that night which was liveable but i was closing with jena who doesnt work and karen whose pregnant so...yeah.....

friday i woke up to work for bridgey boo at 8 fucking am!!! seriusly. but i had an awesome day actually, and paychecks but then....

then i went to see bethany off. helped her finish packing and then waited and waited and waited for her fried janine to come and say goodbye. finally, it happened, and it was my turn.
major waterworks.
i have rarely been so emotional or just played down as i was that day. its hard when ur best friend moves away, but it will be good. after that i went to j and rach and ended up kickboxing with j for like an hour which got all my tensions and shit out and then i went over to hang out with brian and stuart.
we started drinking, and ended up smoking pot and i got high for the first time ever!! at last, it was a very life affirming experience. we ended up listening ot robbie williams ( :) ) and wathing coupling, which was awesome. then i passed out and went home, had a nap and went ot work.
ick. work work work. connie and karen are fun, i love them, and stuart and brian decided ot stop bye...2 minutes after we closed, but i made them drinks antyway!!
i really wish tho that trains were running that late....

after work i went ot their place again which was a repeat of the night before but with different shows and morw alcohol in me. brian passed out, again, and so stuart and i talked pretty much till 6 am, when we fell asleep. its really weird how much we have iun common. ithink we will be good mates.

woke up today still drunk/stoned and went ot work where i was a complete dork. haha.
all good tho.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: robbie williams

sigh
i guess since everyone else is updating i should too.
the weekend was boring but liveable. the high point, or low point, came when i helped bethany paint and move.....very emotional. i actually wentr home and cried myself ot sleep, and now tomorrow she is actually actually moving.......
"the atlantic was born today...."

monday rocked! hottest day of the year so far, and the air con broke at starbux! omg...everything was melting, it was horrible!!!!! and gross, sorta like..do u want some coffee with my sweat in ur cup? hehehe. GROSS!!!

Also i quit GAP, at fucking last! i just walked out and they were like "good" and it was all happy. i feel so liberated!! oohoo!! especially since i found out im gonna be needed ubermuch the next MONTH at starbux, so im sure ot find hours!

yestderday was dull, woke up, cleaned my room, it looks good now instead of a shitheap it was, altho its rapidly being devoured once more by clothes and junk...haha. then i went ot og meet this guy i met online name stuart and his roomie brian to see charlie and the choc factory. i found out bognis mom died to, she is on her way ome ot SA :( God bless her.
so staurat is scottis-irish...(faint) and ot fucking die for. hes an awesoem guy and i just wanna be friends. The movie was awesome (i admit i was dancing in my seat like an oompaloompa) and then we got food and talked till 3 am...when i sorta fell asleep, so did brian tho. its just nice ot find sum ppl u can connect with like that that u dont feel awkward about or anything. i dunno.

so today i biked etc etc etc (biking is my new hobby btw) and worked all night. it was na awesome close, for once my till was perfect and os was the safe! WOOHOO!!!
also, stuart txtd me and sed last night was cool lets do it again. and then, like a moron i send back a text saying "ditto. gimme a call when ur free. id luv to read sum of ur writing"
im a dork. haha. anywayz, its a beautiful night os im going for a walk with robbie (on my ipod) to chill and meditate.
also....next sunday (if i dont og to kathys party) im totally having a party with Ja and Rach like last year!!! and then, im going rafting with them on the delaware (0nly my fav thing to do) im so excited.
also, doza called today, he is coming home early. things r looking up, thanx 4 believing in me guys. (dan, linda, miriam) .
huggs

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Current Music: radio-robbie williams

long time no shit
its been a while since i updatd, ikno, but i realized that ll the ppl that read this i either tell everything in person to or were there during the end of the play.
but long story short the play is over and i feel like my whole world has closed in on me and im slowly suffocating once again under the stale barrennness of the old world in which i used ot coinhabit with other such statues of my life.

other than that, not much. sum absolutely lovely customers of mine at the bux donated ot m a perfectly god and perfectrly sized mountain bike, so now i can once again ride my bike for fun or to work ro whatever! i just cant wait ot het out there under the sun on the bike with nothing but my mind and maybe music. its like my childhood all over again.

work tonight was fun. the new girl, jen, is awesome and i love her. its funny, last night i was up till 4 talking with my friend amanda about her life and everything ended up about politics. we realized that lack of tolerance is the problem in the world.
anywayz that night i was driving home and sum guy looked like he needed a ride. he had been hijacked and sent ot hospital and released after being bandaged or sumthing and was tryin to get to redding. so i drove him out as far as i could and dropped him off at a diner near where he was going.
im trying ot be a good person.
so today after realizing that this new girl is a republican i had a realization....i need ot be more tolerant too!!! so this is my goal, i adore jen and os i wont bebiased against here becuz shes a bushie! i adore her tho, and i am realizing she is more than politics, she is a person, a friend.

so thats about it i think. im watching graham norton on tv and dying, simply dying ot m move ot the uk! but i need ot be satsified with what i have now tho.
sionce my bday its as if alot of the world has put itself intop perspective.
o, also puppys brakes are broken, and bethany gave me the eddie izzard dvd's for my bday and im over the moon1!!!!!! its awesome!!!!

so, after my blog break im back. more news ot follow!

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: misteeq on graham norton

past 3 days
wow i havent updated in a while.
ok, so firstly ive been kinda blue, but for sum good reasons. secondly, the play si consuming massive amounts of time, most f which i enjoy, but i am also too tired ot work or anything anymore. and my feet hurt.

so sat was fun , play all day blah blah blah. we ended up at a really cute little ice cream parlour that was sorta like a 1920's place, all original and adorable.
sunday i went ot the play blah blah blah. it was going well and so we went out to a cute rish pub for lunch. i spent my whole childhood going ot cute risish pubs ion dunsayd, so it was like a piece of my grown up childhood. then linda invited her friend justin, whom hthink may be the hottest man alive, and i danced ot muci with gabby etc etc etc.
highlight of the day: justin huigged me.
lowlite: ditto.

so the play that night was fun and sarah gave me a ride home. i heart sarah.

so i was really down cuz meeting all of lindas friends makes me realize hopw much of a bad gay guy i am. lol, i cant even get that staight. or gay rather. you know, when i envisioned this entry i filled it with imagery etc etc tec, but im afraid im just not into imagery, it takes oto long ot write.
so thats why ive been down, cuz pretty much im unhappy with who i am and, i might add, quite conmpletely utterly wishing i was more like some of those true city kids. maybe sumday........
that has ot be the saddest phrase ever written...maybe umday.

well yesterday was hell. gap at 8 then str8 to sbux till 11. ick, it sucked i was angry and tired and not at all in the mood to be there. finally it ended and i got ot sleep above ground for a change as my house guest saw fit to return my room in a much worse state than shehad recieved it.

so today gap again, i hate gap, i must quit, and then i bought a new ipod oline. ill despcribe it when i get it.

i found out my dad is going ot london on july 3, and i am very jealous.
LNDON!!!
last night i ran into bethanyboo at sbux who suggested that she and i move ot SA after houston, ir in six months or so. i think thats a grand idea, we could get a townhouse, and i did sum research and i just really want to.

in the meanime i need ot save money. i always freak out about it after spending large amounts like i just have. ick,.

im off to other work now.
cheers

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: hot hot heat

arent i proficient
well, its time for a completely honest entry. i usually hold back you see becuz i know some people who def read this, but its time for me to not care.

i want to die.
i absolutely completely and utterly want ot die. today was horrible. i went ot he play and completely fucked up the first run thru, which wasnt so bad becuz there were 3 people in the audience but it still proved i am nothing of an actor. i suck.
afterwards a bunch of pople split up and went to wndys or aztecdoodadysumthing. im poor so i went to wendys and then the park. i did have nice lay down under a big oak tree that quite took me to another world and made me NEED to dance. dance is how i get my emotions out, and qhile i was lying there under the tree i started playing my fav songs back and forth in my head the way i used ot before i got my POS ipod that doesnt work. you see, i have this ability to memorize an song down to every note, but i still cant sing.

so i went back to the theatre and went into the darkened stage, and found doc. shes crazy but tries ot be a ood person i think. so i started dancing and sher got the hint and left. thank god! i danced and danced and danced. it was wonderful, i dosciovered new places in my body and mind and went alot further in dance than i had ever been. then, faced with the prospect of talking with doc, i left and went outside.
i admit i was very down today, mostly becuase im just realizing every time im in the city how much i hate where i live and the life i lead. i hate cars. i hate suburbia. etc etc etc.
i cant change this tho cuz i havent the money even tho im working 2 jobs.

the second performance was fun and i did a lot better bit i still realized how bad an actor i am. itrs painful, wuite painful to realize that the thing you thought you could od, you cant.
i guess i DO suck at everything.
afterwards we went out to a ice cream parlor that was a million blocks away. i didnt even get anything i was os depressed. it was a cute parlour tho, all 1920s style, quite quaint and lovely.
but i cant help but think of how bored i am in my life and how much i suck for not changing it. the problem si that i need someone ot change it with me, or at least, prod me ot change it. i just suck. you know what i need world....i need a katie to force me to live the way katie does marissa when marossa is down with paul. i need a best friend like that.
so i left early even though linda asked me to go to 12th with her., i honestly dont want to becuz i dont knwo anybody and all her friends are in the 21 and older section anywayz, so i i magine a repeat of last time i went out with her would happen. i mean, it was fun and a good experience, but i was quite lonely and self conscience and it really did suck alot cuz u cant meet ppl at places like that cuz everyone goes with sumone nyway.

on the way home i must admit i was not in the best of mind. at practically every bridge i contemplated at how easy it ould be ot turn of and fall at 90mph to my death. or to ram into a concrete wall or, well, anything i could think of that would off myself.
im afrai world, ive reached the point where the things i have ot keep me alive dont really care that much anymore, or if they do, they cant/dont.wont let me know. in a way the dancing today was the higklite but now imd ancingin in m head in that i feel like im desperately dancing in a black box, afraid to fall off the edge of the stage but with every move, getting closer and closer, but always always always groping oiut and spinning etc etc etc.

its sad that i dont know anybody who would or does understand this. but i feel like im about ot step over or else fall away completely.

"alice died, in the night. ive been learning to try my whole life. ive been learning...."
"i like the peace, in the backseat. i dont have to drive, i dont have to speak, i can watch the countryside....
alice died........in the night.........ive been learning to drive my whole life...ive been learning...ohooohooooohooooooo....

end scene.

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: in the backseat by arcade fire

eeep
yin yang. so yesterday sucked, today rocked.

i woke up late after sleeping in and went down to gap to collect my payheck which was quite a bit fatter than i thought it would be (like me).
then i went ot sbux to get that one hwere i ended up haning out for a bit and finally going with my chanellaboo to do tips for the last tim before she leaves next week. :(
that was fun but emotional.
so finally i got on the train to go to play tonight. it was awesome!!!

i wasnt onstage but i sat around having fun backstrage, which is what theatre is really about,and it was too much fun. too muvch.

afterwards tho i ran into kevin. oh no! you see, kevin is this absolutely adorable and as far as i can tell nicest person ion the world person. now, when it comes ot meting relative strangers im usually very unshy, but when it comes ot actually speaking ot kevin, its a bit like that nervous feeling of first taking off on the way to a really cool holiday destination, or even worse, coming home simply bursting with stories and pictures and knowing someone is waiting there for you to tell them all about it.
i dont know why kevin. theres nothing in our history to denote this sort fo feeling in me, but, i dunno, i guess this just happens.

after that we sang moulin rouge on the stage, yay! and then went out in searcgh of tacos with alicia. on the way i ran into kevin again ( :( ) and i couldnt help bnut be awkward. sigh. i hate one sided interests, cuz its clear he isnt intrestd back.

finally, our 2 theatre groups got seperated between older and younger, the youngers searcghing for the ever elusive tacos the olders going ot a bar. i didnt want ot go to a bar so i ran out to find alicia eta l and ran nto none other than....duna duna...kevin.
ick.
my brain practiucally turned into a greenish jelly that obbled and threatened to smush itself against the sidewalk :(
i dont knwo what to do. i cant hlp but think fo him bu i cant speak to him. i spew rubbish, and any intelligent person will be hit in the head with it.

so i found the group of people and told alicia and she convinced me (and stole my fone and dialed) kevins number and made me ask him to this thing tomorow nite. baaaaad idea. i couldnt peak and i have no recollection fo what i sed excpet that hed call in an hour. which didnt happen. im not surpirsed, i wouldnt call me either. besides, some people are just out of my league, like all intelligent gay men!!!

so at the nice restaurent we went to which cost a ortune and gave tiny little tacos in 3 uncooked pieces, alicia and sarah an i boned like crazeee!!!!

it was awesome! we worked out alicia is my grace, sarah is karen an di am jack/will ocmbined. lol
i also got alicia to give a cute blonde waiter her number, hope he calls her!!!

then a bunch foi theatre peeps went ot wawa (behind which i peed) and we got ice cream and ate it in a park. so cool1 so nice and fun.

then i got a ride home with sraah and alicia and chelsea and we chilled sum more. lol.

im loving theatre peepses.

feeling alot more better now with the world.
nite nite

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: blowers daughter

fuck it all
i hate it all. everything. the past few days have been some fo the worst ever since i started writing again, and quite frankly, i am sick of it.

so a brief rundown, worked all last weekend which sucked. i have no fucking social lie cuz im a loser and my 'friends' dont particularly want ot hang out with me anyway. wtf would?

then play prac on tuesday was too much fun. lol, that is why i do drama. and afterwards a bunch of us went to cozis and made fun of a certain purple vibrator and other stories. that is a group i connect with, the kind only other theatre people can understand, ad any artf from understands.
then yesterday and today. work work work work fucking work. im sick of it. im sick of living at home of my family of everything. the absoltue highlight iof the last two days was talking with katie and karen after work last night, just chillin. it was good.
but today sucked. im too tired and too fucking fucked up pissed off with everythingf and everyone on the world right now.

fuck fuck motherfucking fuck. i hate it all, i hate it all. i missed what i want, what i neeeded. my engine left without me and im left in some stupid caboose at the station staring wistfully at the departing smoke.
i no longer see the need for anythingh.

grrrrrr..........

so the highlioght of the night was jena visitng she made me realize that even though life can suck you still have good friends u lean back on who undwerstand and do what they think u need ot do to feel better and get thru it. then i realized.
she has her girlfriends. i dont have any guy friends, much worse, any gay guy friends. i dont have anybody but girls the majority of whom are moving away.

wow. talk aboiut feeling like a full stop in the center of a planet.

final thjoughts:
i missed opening night but nobody missed me. :(
i have nobody who coul dunderstand or even help.
...

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: death cab

puzzle pieces
today was yet another 14 our day from hell!!!
gap was more fun tho, probably becuz i began work later than yesterday, and i am not a monring person. sadly.

i actually ejoyed gap, and i met a pregnant lady there buying pants from the mens section with drawstrings! she was os cute about her child, her firts, and i couldnt help but feel all the love that mothgers give to their children. the idea of creating life, of loving some one else that much that they could do that!
i wish i had sum1 in my life i loved a ten billinth as much.
Then i rushed ot sbux where it was frappucino hell yet again. woo fuckedy hoo.

long day. but it got better at the end. i ended up speaking with jenna ana and mark and his friends. they are all only a year younger than me but i thought htey were much younger :( . oh well, they are nice at least.
everyone was having a bad day as it was hto and the AC was broken.

OH, at Gap i ran into gerbil to whom i have not s[poken since chirtsmas!!! she and i are going to the shroe on thurs! yay!!!! i heart gerbil!!!

Well sbux close sucked as u can imagine and i will be crcuified by mike in the am, but i dont care. i have ot work fro plymouth meeting tomorrow. ick. dont even kno wtf it is.

also, the guy i thoughr was gay at sbux is, i was right again!

so then i started thinking when i got home about life and the world. im thinking everything is fitting together like puzzle pieces. for eg, i grew up in SA to learn about true euality and how fragile it is. how fragile diversity is.
im living here now ot learn about hard work and the idea of moving forwards in life.
i want to og brazil next!

anywayz, this was not half as insightful as i had hoped but im tired goin t o bed.

nite world.

PS. last nite i had a dream that i would meet gerbil! haha!

Current Mood: start with corners...
Current Music: dehumidifier

avatar
it has come ot my attention that i am a well spoken young man in the real world yet a pathetic and slovenly typed writer in that of the digital world.

so i will atempt to remedy it in order ot suit one persons ideal of me.

well i blogged last night so one is to presume that monday, being the 13 day of june in the year of our lord 2005, is to be the subject of my live journal entry.

today was pure and utter hell. i awoke late and ran to work at gap, which is now to be referred to as "that evil place"
i was in th emiddle of a fucking insulin attack and my manager, a slick haired man named sal, oh fuck this stuck up attitude, ill write how i want bethany1!!!

he didnt even fuckign otice shit with me and he wouldnt let me go on break even tho i was dying!!!!
i am going ot quit.
there is just sumthing wrong with that place in both vibes and practice.

then work was hell. im too tired for this
goodnight

Current Mood: fuck life, cuz i got nutin els
Current Music: all about beddhism

changes....art
i sorta feel a stirring within me. its a strange one that peeks thru late at night or when my eyelids are heavy as a leaden casket in which superman lies. its an art feeling, coming out in dancing and painting and ideas and urges ot do weird and creative things like never before. no...like i did as a child when i didnt care and the world was a laboratory ready to taste and smell and move.
i have these images that sumtimes put the whoel world into perspective and other times they confuse and befufdle me and make me question the word.
i am lost.
i am found
and lost once more.

and yet everything is falling into place for the next steo in my life. my new friends are taking shape in lieu of those ive lost or will lose ot foreign lands. alicia and kathy are the sort of ppl i can bond with without trying. we are all on the same wavelength, and, well, i feel comfortablel. like when alicia automatically leans on me or kath hugs me goodbye. its just, a spark of happiness in my otherwise bleak life.
and thne then theres the rets of my life. work. i want ot quit GAP, but its money i work far too much and am alays tired. like now when i was watching a movie at bethanys but feell asleep i my haed so i cut it short and came home.

i dont really wanna write about the weekend cuz it was all mundane stuff except karen and christines baby shoer doodad and bethanys art show! all so apt at biringin children (in a myriad of senses) to the world.

arion and i are friends again.
i miss miriam and mendoza
i think linda is pissed off at me
my computer is ifected with spyware and canada is infected with my parents.
i love puppy
i hate doc
i am undecided on polka dotted umbrellas
and i am obsessed with the 60's grooviness.

maybe its time ot actually dig deep and find out more about myself. the next step? is this what it feel slike to be growing up?

Current Mood: make the world in my image
Current Music: blowers daughter

everything....
maybe im just growing up, or maybe im just changing my POV, but today i had the overwhelming sense of calm within me. it was just a sense that verything will be alright int he world, no matter what happend. bush will go, my current problems will end, my friends will find and live awesome lives in other fulfilling places and ill move on. arion will either figure itself out or erase itself entirely from my memroy, my two jobs will play themselves out and if i save enuff and work well i will be fine.

and that doesnt explain why im sobbing. why im sitting here feeling like, although everything will be alright, it needs ot get worse first.
and i think thats why i was uneasy, because i kept expecitng things ot get better. but they will only get worse. more ppl will only move away, my jobs willget more competitive and demanding, the world will fall even further into shit..............

at the moment im listening to a song called the blowers daughter by damien rice. i recommend u download it, its beautiful . its fromt he closer soundtrack.

so i was thinking, evidently. its clming to think deeply about the world. i considered doing a millon bajillion things to think: yoga, tai chi, meditation, continuum, art anything. but in the end i just started thinking on my own. i guess life is like that sumtimes, like last night when i went into the most incredible continuum ever. or today when i managed ot smile and be happy and sell stuff even tho i felt like shit and knew i wasnt saing "oh u look great in those jeans" . i wasnt saying it, i was on autopilot, and that is why everything will be alright. becuase......................autopilot never crashes, but it also never flies higher or faster.

i dont want ot be autopilot tho.
but i guess sumtimes theres nothing else u can do, but lie down and hope not ot fall.

i think i am there.

here are the lyrics of the song
"and os it is, just like u said it would be. life goes easy on me most of the time.and so it is, the shorter story, no love no glory, no hero in her sky. i cant take my eyes off of u. i cant take my eyes off of u. i cant take my eyes off of u. cant take my eyes off of u.
and so it is...just like u said it should be. well both forget the breeze most of the time. and so it is.........the colder waters, the blowers daughter, the pupil in ...
i cant take my eyes off of u. i cant take my eyes off of u. i cant take my mind off of you."

this song goes out to linda and dan becuz i so badly want to live a life such as yours. it goes out ot miriam becuase u have such a firm foundation in life even tho u often question it. to bethany because u know who you are, and from that you will knwo where u are going. to robin because u have such talent.
finally, to everyone else whom i admire and cant stop looking at longingly, thinking of. may u all have an awesome time on earth!
love,

malcky.

Current Mood: cant my mind off of u...
Current Music: blowers daughter

every time u close ur eyes.....
i cant even remember the last time i posted, i think it was 2 days ago.
not much of consequence has happened, just the small things that pacth together ot make up life. and those other things that let u get thru it all.

today for example is perfect. i woke up far too early after horrible dreams and nightmares to a darkened basement. im afraid i simply dont wake up if i dont have sunlight. i had a shower and ate asum breakfast and went ot work at gap.

i spent four hours or os marking things down. its crazy, just standing there marking things with a price gun. bleep, bleep, bleep beleep.
nothing productive.
then i raced out after that to starbux where i work until 11 tonight. thats a 14hour day my friends. 14 hours.
so i got ot starbux exhausted already and got wonderful news they were installing cabinets (so old distict manager...jimmy the cirkcet) was gonne ocme on and tomorroe new district manager was coming in to look at the store and grade it so the close had ot be tip top.
double whammy.
then an aorder arrived.
triple.

as if things werent bad enough in my life

all ic an say is god bless vince and karen (oh my beloved karen) for cleaning that fucking store from to[p to bottom before the rush of frappucino assholes (im sporry but i have nothing nice ot say about anybody who dribks that shit and make me make them) arrived. for an hour, the last one, it was crazy madness. all our work was destroyed. all of it ....messed.
and ot top it off my paents came in with a bunhc of friends. AS IF I DOT SEE THEM ANUYFF, i dont need ot see them at work, thank you very much!!!

but towards the end of the night an adorable guy came in and asked for a fruppacino. i almost sed no but i couldnt. i cant resist hot cute funny boys.
and then i started thinking. i wish i coul dget him. i wish i coul be like ihm. i wish i wasnt me. i hate me. hate hate hate hatr hateme. im pathetic. i suck as a person, i suck as a gay guy, i suck as a str8 one, i suck as a friend, i suck as a boss, i probably even suck as an enemy.

and os i spiralled downawards into ym state of loathingselfness in which i plan to stay until i, i dunno.
whatever, this is all shit and nobody reads it anyway.

gnite yalkl.
sweet dreams
oh...btw.....im taking too long to push the buttons (or so a customer said to karen......lol)
i forgot! mike medoza called from flordia!!!! yay!!! made m day!

Current Mood: why am i me?
Current Music: arcade fire

well done
when u think about it, the natural state of humantiy isnt the wonderfully inventive and great society we are taught ot think it is. we are veegtables required ot pull ourselves out of a blank green state in order ot accomplish anything. especially with creativity.

therefore, i congratulate anybody who can reach inside and make sumthing be it art or writing or acting or whatever, u have trasncended humanity and become a god.d

squish the broccoli.
boil the beans

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: keane

flashing rings
well it has been a long time.
i was just reading the updates of my friends journals, my friends wo all seem to live far more exciting and fulfilling lives than i ever could. but miriam mentioned peace of mind in hers. peace of mind....something i have been wiuthout for years now. and i wonder if it will ever com eback.

the last few days have been tumultuous. between getting into trouble at sbux with jim (ding dong the witch is now dead!!!), and having a little incident with dearest amanda learning (and putting on such a show of surprise) that many ppl do in fact dislike a certain cgirl.......its been weird

honestly, i feel as though i am drifting away from it all. in a bad way. for os long starbux has been my anchor in life. it was where my best friends were, where i felt comfortable and secure (despite all my whinings about being 'fired') and a place that generally made me feel good about myself. i could help ppl, no matter how insecure, i could meet ppl, it was my escape.
but now all that has come tumbling down. my best friends are all moved/moving away. job security is again questionable and, honestly, i dont know if its where i need ot be. its an anchor, keeping me from fully moving into the city. not that i am even certain i want that.

its almost the same with gap. i like it, i love the ppl, but do i want ot be there? is it me? bethany says i shoudl stop worrying about if things r me or not and just take what i can in life, but, that just seems wrong. perhaps its that i dont even know me, so i can barely afford to let the pieces that i do know fall away for the sake of money.
momney
money

so peace of mind.
i cant wait until the 4th of july. by then this horrid horrid play will be over. bethany and chanel and who knows else will have left by then.
but i will no longer be a teenager, my excuse for being os fucked up. am i wrong?

im realizing more and more that i lie to the world. i lie about who i am and hwat i think. i lie about everything from whom i consider to be my friends and why, to what i want to do and how. i guess life is sort of like a video game, in that u need ot og thru levels, but, this level is to lie until u reach the end where u find a great glowing diamond or sumthing that tells u all about urself and sets up the next mission.

in the meantime im tired and quite frankly undertapped for hat i have to offer. im bored and ready to move on. i thought for so long i wanted ot live like linda and dan in the city, but, i dont knwo if i do anymore. i want ot travel, but i also want ot traverl with a best friend. i want ot have a secure and loving environment like miriam and the church has, but i wan it ot be worldly. i dont know anything, and the waves of thought in my head keep churning when they shouldnt. i envy everyone and yet hate them at the same tim because they make me want ot be them and i know i cant. i dont know. maybe i just havent found my 'group' yet, or my 'groove', but it felt damn right with j and rach.

in the meantime, therea a boy named ryan who lives in the middle of nowhere in PA who i think is adorable and who texts me (awww) and i am going ot visit him soon. arion is a jerk who ruined what self confidence i had in myself, and all the other ppl i have snuck into the city to fuck and havent told anyone, they just make me realize how much of a shit i am.

emma bought these flashy rigns at target, and i sat there watching one for too long tonight at games night with vince and jane and emma-boo. i feel peaced. i feel real. i fel like i am going ot fall off the face of the planet and into the arms of someone who needs me.

thats it, nobody needs me.

and it doesnt matter how many ppl u need, if u rnt needed u r the loneliest person on the planet.

let the ring flash sum more........take me away to a better place.....

Current Mood: let the world spin...
Current Music: life got cold....girls aloud

:)
so, i cant really remember the last few days as specific insidents. they are more like blurs of random events....rainbow chasing with my miriam, being evicted from my room and told ot live in the basement :( buying a cool blazer from my gap, not being able to go to paint lindas room :( and generally being in a funk.
then today happened. it had to, because everything else had to stop! all the insanity, all the craziness, all the miserable stupidity ive been walking around in, it ad to break, just like a fever or thunderstorm.
it sarted when i was rudely awakened at a god-forsaken hour by my father and told ot move my shit to the basement cuz we are having a houseguest who is claiming my room. i got very very angry, and then i gto a call form gap, asking me ot com ein at 12 for orientation.
so i sorta moved my stuff, bitched at my dad (whom i otherwise havent spoken to for days) and then went off ot gap. that was fun but boring and necessary.
straight from there ot starbux, where i had a grand old time. it was my girls, katie and marissa and we just had fun all night, which is why we were there till 11...lol.
so stephanie and mark came in and i had a jolly old chat with them. much funness. they r nice intelligent ppl! for a fucking change.
i dunno, tonight i felt as though pieces of my old self were being picked up by my subconscious and put back tpgether. i joked genuinely with customers, drew funny pics on the lids again, i just didnt care about all the bad things in life. it felt good.
so afterwards i went out ot dinner with bethany at micheals......we talked about everything, it was really good. at one stage i started laughing so hard at the imagery of a hamburger coming back ot life and trying ot bounce of its bun that i was crying for five minutes. hehehehehe! it was great to get that energy out.

oh, beast, thanx man! i needed that!!!!

well, im off ot bed in my hole in the ground. so much to do and os little time.
altho, not really.

cheers

Current Mood: maybe im getting happy again
Current Music: feel good inc

crash
omg.........
so firslty sum guy leaves 2 comments (btw i dont even know who he is) on my LJ about how being gay is sick.
im very very pissed about that.
secondly....im told by arion im basically for shits and giggles....oh, even fucking better....he and i are still friends cuz i dont honestly knwo what else to do. i mean, hes nice and all, but, geez.
thirdly, i found out today that emma, my dearest emma is going away in august, for all of august and when she comes back she will no longer be in my life, ie, she is growing up and out of this place.
:(
WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! i really needed to grab a pole otday to stop myself from falling. all i could od was look her in the eye and jump up and down and try to be happy for her. but, im os fucking selfish i cant.

so then amanda came and met me at starbux and we went for a walk around town,. it was fun, we went into all sorts of strange and funny little places we had never been before. we climbed on roofs and watched the sunset from a church garden. i also had a little tinkle in sum courtyard, but oh well, it was on a lawyers office....so they prolly deserved it.

so after that i went ot starbux where i helped karen with trash (shes pregnant, she cannot carry heavy loads, dammit) and then i went ot see Crash with emma. it made me think and really hate myself for almost no apparent reason but, omg.....it started me thinking. where do i fit into the world? am i a typical white suburban boy? is that what im meant ot be?! NOOO!!! what are my views on life and race and all that stuff??
i dont know!!! anymore, i dont know!!! im so confused.
but it is a brilliant movie.

Current Mood: what am i here for?
Current Music: arcade fire

trainwreck
i feel like a train just smashed into me at full steam.

i worked today, and although it was fun, i cant help but feel that the best times of my life are currenly over. I dunno, maybe i just put too much faith in the belief life moves in spirals, and that that at sum point u must move on up and out ot change so u can reach the next spiral, but, i am sue this spiral is coming ot an end.
it saddens me becuz yet again right as i think i have everything figured out it falls through. and it hurts. this time it hurts.

this is the firts time i really put effort into my life. it was mine, i shaped it, controlled it, let it become what i wanted. not skoool, not parents, not moving halfeway across the world, but me! i chose for it to be what it was....is.

I worked with chanela-boo and vincey. i love them both dearly, especially my chanela-boo. unfortunately, i also realized about halfway thru the night that i dont belong at starbux anymore. i think i am going ot quit.
i mean, the group i had, that was my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE is gone. mike moved away to florida. emma has had her friends come home os suddenly we are dog shit to her and kaite and marissa never really needed me or mike, they just liked it cuz we evended them out. but now its just me, and they have no need for one gay guy. except to get gap discounts.
i want ot quit that store.
at home i was watching will and grace and i realized that i suck as a gay guy. i suck as a str8 one too, so pretty much i dont kno where i belong. or whom i belong with. i thought id finally found a group of friends that undertood me and was all about life in the same way i am, but, it moved and disentegrated. All i have left is bethany whose moving away in july.
Ie never felt more lonesome in my life. not os much becuz i really am alone, but becuz i nopw kno wat it was like ot taste true friendship and love and life and laughter, and lose it.
When everyone else has a best friend who knows everything about them, understands and cares for them, if urs lives on the other side of the country it is a very large and lonely world.

very big, and very lonely.
and scary.
bethany, please dont move.
i need u.
cuz ur all i have left.

I just need ot write. writing helps. get it out. i dont know. maybe i should move on. quit all jobs at the end of summer and move awy again. it seems ot be the pattern of my life. move on. leave. but that wont help. i dont want to.
i dont knwo what i want.
i want ot be graham norton. lol.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: death cab

Advertisement